Thursday, September 22, 2011


And I thought this September might be different.

For almost every year I can remember, I've gotten really down and felt just a little bit out of control of my life in September for some reason.  I don't get it.  Some years unbelievably dramatic and scary things have happened; other years it has just slowly built over the month and worn me completely down.  I've gotta snap out of it!  I have stuff to do and I need to sort out what I am doing with my life.  A year and a half of not knowing where I'm going or what I am doing has finally gotten to me, I think.  And yet, somehow, the idea of wandering aimlessly with no purpose or destination seems like the best solution for my melancholy.  How fixing something with itself works I do not know.  Maybe it's just the thought of going with the flow rather than trying to purposefully direct my life myself that seems appealing.  Letting go has always led to good (if not wonderful) things before but it is really freaking me out this time.  It seems like there is more on the line for some reason.  But I think that feeling might be bollocks.  There is no more to be gained or lost now than there ever has been before.

I had to make a big decision today that resulted in tears.  Then I got news that resulted in tears.  Now, to avoid sitting at home and guaranteeing tears, I am going to go be around people and try to convince myself they aren't threatening to come.

September is an incredible month!  Why can't we figure out how to get along?  We could do so many fun things together.  We could enjoy the crisp autumn evenings and the beginning of hot chocolate season with some lovely, cuddly movie nights.  We could play in the leaves.  We could make stew and read books.  We like the same things!  Come on, September!  Let's sort this out!